Bran Stark is Not Letting His Disability Stop Him… From Being a Fuckboy


Any one who watches Game of Thrones knows that Brandon Stark has been crippled since season 1.

If you don’t remember how he became this way, let me refresh your memory…

Like many kids, his bad ass was always doing  the exact opposite of what his mom would tell him to do. Everyday Catelyn would tell the lil nigga to stop climbing on shit before he got hurt, but he didn’t listen. I cannot quite remember verbatim what she said but it was something like, “Quit muthafuckin climbin on every gawt damn thing because if yo ass falls I ain’t going to no damn hospital!”


Well one day, while he was being hard headed and climbing up the tower thinking he was Spiderman, he stumbled across Jamie and Cersei Lannister having sex. Shook, Jamie did what anyone would have done in that scenario and pushed Bran’s lil ass out the window hundreds of feet to the ground.


Fortunate-ish for Bran, he didn’t die but he did lose the full function of both legs. It’s like my grandmother used to say, a hard head makes a soft ass.


I’m pretty sure in Catelyn’s head she was thinking, “I told you so” but good mothers do not verbalize such thoughts to their kids from fear of being called a bad person.

Fast forward 6 seasons into season 7 and we have Bran as the 3 Eyed Raven. Basically the 3 Eyed Raven is an all seeing and all knowing being in the Game of Thrones world that can see past, present, and future events. (Read more about it here.) Sounds pretty cool and useful right? Jon Snow’s little brother has the ability to see everything and know everything at a very critical time for the Starks and all of the 7 Kingdoms. One huge part that I did not mention is that the 3 Eyed Raven has a connection to the Knight King that no one else does, which again, makes Bran’s new found super powers more important and useful than ever in this point of the story.


When Bran was initially learning to become the Raven, he learned the identity of Jon Snow’s real father. After he became the full fledged, real deal Holyfield HNIC he learned EVERYTHING.

And I mean EVERY. THING.

Besides getting Hodor and Summer killed in season 6, Bran’s Fuckbydom has reached it’s meta stage here in season 7.

It started with him coming back home to Winterfell and giving Sansa an extremely lukewarm response to their reunion.


He didn’t even hug her back.

Then, if that wasn’t enough, he hit her with the “I been shot in the head, baby. My body different. I’m breathin different. You understand what I’m sayin? The doctor said I wasn’t gonna walk the same. You understand what I’m sayin? I’m out.”


Shout out to Teddy D at The Why Not Podcast for bringing this next one up!

And then later in the Godswood when he is with Sansa recounting her wedding night to Ramsey and complimenting her on how she looked and what she wore…right before she was raped. Like…come on. Who does this? You have the ability to see all things and know all things AND YET you think it is completely ok to have your sister relive her rape and torture just so you can prove that you are God-like?? He couldn’t have used ANY other example here?


Then every other time that he didn’t tell anyone who Jon was or send a raven to him or tell them more pertinent information about anything useful.

He could have gotten Littlefinger the fuck up outta Winterfell from jump since he knows who truly helped to conspire against his father. He could have told both Arya and Sansa to keep them from any impending disputes.

Like the time on episode 4 ‘The Spoils of War’ when Littlefinger gave Bran the dagger that tried to kill him. Bran told Arya and Sansa about it in a secret meeting. However, the meeting was not for him to question the whys and motives of Littlefinger, but for him to give one of his sisters the dagger because “it would be wasted on a cripple”.


Arya and Sansa were so confused about why Littlefinger had a Valyrian Steel dagger and its origins BUT YET Bran just sat there like he didn’t just say “chaos is a ladder” to Littlefinger 5 minutes before KNOWING FULL AND DAMN WELL WHAT WAS UP!


He could also tell all of the soldiers of the Vale what really happened to Lady Arryn and that she and Littlefinger killed Jon Arryn!!!


There are literally so many helpful tips that he could give but the most he will say or do is speak in codes and keep his mouth closed until he sees Jon.


He is SOOOOOOO annoying. The ultimate fuckboy.


He is literally the emo kid of the family that knows shit but he’s super cryptic and his failure to tell what he knows will have more dire consequences.

Also, this is hilarious!!